We are the NHS and we have a problem.

No one gets it. 

They don’t seem to understand the impact caring for others is having on my well-being. There is a distinct, lack of well-being right now. Where is the support? I don’t feel like a dismissal of my feelings; my emotional and anxious state, is support enough in itself. This just being from individuals in my personal life, as I am too scared to speak up at work. 

Yesterday I came across a harrowing article, highlighting the issue of lack of support being available for NHS staff. The article stipulated that in the last 7 years, we have lost over 300 nurses to suicide. Something is very wrong. Haven't heard about this? Here it is.

We are not superhuman. We feel too. We are scarred too.

Jokes are made. I shrug it off, I live in my daily discomfort and frankly dread every time a shift is approaching. Today I had a panic attack leading up to commencing my shift, by the time I was nearing the hospital gates my chest was tight, there wasn’t enough air in my surroundings for me. By the time I was approaching the ward doors I was completely short of breath, hyperventilating.

As a bank worker, I feel there is a distinct lack of support from management too. Not just in my personal life. How are you supposed to get through the terrible things you must witness, with no support, no debriefs, no appraisals, no one checking in to see how you’re doing.

In the beginning I loved my job, it started as home support and that was fantastic. To a point. I have been screamed at, hit, punched, grabbed, sexually assaulted by patients. On one occasion I was very nearly hit in the face with a hammer by someone I had gone to assist. My 19-year-old self was taught by her peers, her colleagues to suck it up. It’s part of the job.

Since leaving the community setting, things did briefly improve but once again work began to become a struggle for one reason or another. Work place politics, intimidation from management and peers. When work in the acute areas began again it was fantastic and a breath of fresh air but in hindsight, I wish I had never started this career. I have seen children dying, people lose their pregnancies, seen people become shells of their former selves because of another person’s selfish and inconsiderate actions. I have seen people my very young age, irreparably damaged – because of another human’s selfish behavior. 

And that’s just for starters.

So as I approach my next shift, a nauseous pit forms in my stomach, my chest becomes heavy, I want to cry, scream and run away. Because I have not been taught how to deal with the barrage of feelings that come with the territory. I am told it’s a noble profession to be in. I am told “I couldn’t do what you do”. Hell, I can’t do what I am doing.

What I’d like to know is when enough is enough?

There are certain people that look up to me, I have 2 adult but younger siblings. One of which followed my footsteps in home caring, she survived 3 weeks of it before it was enough for her. The other, wants me to go on to train to be a paramedic with him. I’d love to. But this work makes me so unwell. I am sick to the pit of my fucking stomach. I want to tell him not to bother. Beg, plead even with him to stay clear of it before it breaks him down, as my job has mine.

There needs to be an outlet for healthcare professionals, there needs to be adequate support for them; permanent staff or not. How many more suicides will it take?

No one gets it.. And don't get me wrong, I don't want them to. 

If you are affected by any of the issues above, please reach out. Whether it be to a colleague, friend, or a helpline such as Samaritans. Failing that, please drop a comment and I will contact you, if you need to talk. I am here, you are not alone.